


Do They Have Hot Glue Guns in Hell?

by astrangerenters



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Biblical References, Gen, Hell, Horsemen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-20
Updated: 2010-04-20
Packaged: 2017-10-26 12:39:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/283242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangerenters/pseuds/astrangerenters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer wasn't too excited about finding an evil shimmer on his best rod and reel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do They Have Hot Glue Guns in Hell?

_I watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice like thunder, "Come!" I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest._  
-Revelation 6:1-2

-

“Hey Jun-kun,” Lucifer said, tapping on Pestilence's door.

“Ah. Riida.”

Lucifer cocked his head a little bit. “What are you up to?” he asked, seeing Jun plugging in the hot glue gun. “Arts and crafts?”

Pestilence Jun nodded, taking his crown off of his head and setting it down on the table. “I'm starting to get bored. Nobody topside is breaking seals. It's not like we have a lot of work to do.”

Lucifer nodded, watching Pestilence Jun line up the little pots of purple and gold glitter. “So you're...bedazzling your crown?”

Jun scowled. “Not bedazzling. I'm adding an evil shimmer. So as to more easily frighten people when I ride out, if we ever get the opportunity.”

The devil picked up the pot of purple glitter. “But I don't think anyone would be scared of a glittery crown, no offense.”

“What do you know, Riida? You spend all day fishing at the Lake of Fire. You're never going to catch anything!” Jun snapped, snatching his glitter back. “I just want to be more unpredictable, okay? Maybe they'll be all 'hey, what's with the glittery crown?' And then they won't see the plagues coming when I start firing arrows.”

“Maybe,” Lucifer replied. He didn't know why all his friends were so bored. An apocalypse would just be a hassle. Sure, Heaven had kicked him out years ago, but he wasn't holding any grudges. Apocalypse meant lots of hard work, and even if there were no fish in the Lake of Fire, at least it was relaxing.

Jun's eyes were focused on putting hot dollops of glue on his crown. There was really no chatting with him when he was in one of his moods. He'd already added an evil shimmer to his white horse's saddle and bridle. Eventually he was going to start evil shimmering everything, and Lucifer wasn't too excited about finding an evil shimmer on his best rod and reel.

It was best to just leave him alone.

“I'll go see what Sho-kun's up to.”

-

 _When the Lamb opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature say, "Come!" Then another horse came out, a fiery red one. Its rider was given power to take peace from the earth and to make men slay each other. To him was given a large sword._  
-Revelation 6: 3-4

-

“OWWWWWWWWW!”

The devil hurried down the hall to War's room. Had something happened? He opened the door. “Sho-kun, what did you...”

Sho was bent forward at an uncomfortable-looking angle, and it seemed like his sword was lodged in the floor. His face was red and sweaty. Lucifer closed the door behind him to spare Sho the embarrassment of anyone else finding him looking so exhausted.

“Sho-kun?”

“I...can't...move.”

He walked up and gave War a friendly poke in the shoulder.

“Ouch.”

Lucifer frowned. “Throw your back out again?”

Sho looked rather frustrated. “It's a heavy sword, Satoshi-kun.”

He could see War's rather sizeable muscles, the veins bulging in his neck as he tried to make his body move. It seemed like his back had other ideas.

The devil could imagine that Sho would be quite the fearsome figure on the battlefield (especially if he was following Jun-kun and his evil shimmer). He had a very terrifying serious face, and a good strategic mind for plotting battles and all that. Sho did like to study. And at first glance, he looked super strong.

“Satoshi-kun,” Sho mumbled, “maybe if you pull on my shoulders, I'll straighten back up again?”

“I'm not so sure.” He tapped Sho's hands. “Here, let go of the sword, and I'll put it back in your case.”

“No, I got it. Don't go and...”

Lucifer yanked on the sword, and though it splintered the evil wood planks, it was dislodged embarrassingly easy, and Sho looked even more upset. The devil said nothing as he set it back in Sho's sword case. “Maybe you just need to stretch more before you try to practice.”

“I need to be able to wield it on horseback,” Sho complained. “Why do I have the big sword?”

“So it is written, so it is done I guess,” Lucifer answered, tightening his hands on either of Sho's shoulders. “Are you sure this isn't going to make it worse if I yank you back?”

“Well, I don't need Nino finding me like this.”

“True.” Nino was pretty mean sometimes, and not just because he was a harbinger of the end of days. “Ready?”

“You won't tell Nino if I cry?”

“Of course not. One...two...”

Lucifer wasn't sure he'd ever get the ringing out of his ears.

-

 _When the Lamb opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature say, "Come!" I looked, and there before me was a black horse! Its rider was holding a pair of scales in his hand. Then I heard what sounded like a voice among the four living creatures, saying, "A quart of wheat for a day's wages, and three quarts of barley for a day's wages, and do not damage the oil and the wine!"_  
-Revelation 6: 5-6

-

Lucifer knew that Nino resented the implication that he'd been tasked with the whole Famine thing because he was a pickier eater than a vegan who hated lettuce.

But really, hamburger day after day couldn't be healthy.

He found Nino in Hell's Kitchen, taking another hamburger out of the microwave. “Hey Nino, what's up?”

“Oh. Hey Riida,” Famine replied, carrying his tray over to the table he'd saved with his scales. “You really have to tell Jun-kun to cut it out.” He gestured to the scales. “I caught him in my room with some evil flamingo stickers. It would totally throw the balance off. Not to mention how ugly it would be.”

Lucifer sighed, taking a seat across from his friend. “He's bored. I don't think he means any harm.”

“I don't want evil flamingo stickers on my scales. I weigh things, alright?”

“Of course.” Nino didn't exactly have any lives to measure down here in hell, so he weighed his game cartridges, weighed his packs of cards, weighed every coin in his bank. Everyone needed a hobby, Lucifer figured.

“So you'll tell him to stop trying to gay up my personal belongings? I know it's against the rules to go horseman versus horseman, kind of defeats the apocalyptic unity and all, but if he does it again, I'm going to take that evil shimmering crown and stick it straight up his evil shimmering assho-”

“Nino.”

Famine grumbled, taking a bite out of his hamburger. “Riida, we're suffocating down here. We haven't had an evil photo shoot or held an evil concert in months. Remind me why the seals have to be broken before we can go up and kill things?”

“Because it's just how it works,” he said, trying to reason with him.

“What if I crack the seal myself?”

“Nino...”

“I'll take Sho's sword. It's not like he does anything but look at it and cry like a baby because he can barely lift it.”

Lucifer hated actually having to be a Leader down here. Why couldn't everyone just get along in hell? Why were there little fights and things all the time? Why couldn't everyone just fish their troubles away?

He hated having to pull the Morning Star card. He stood up and started the usual light show, glowing as menacingly as he could without breaking the kitchen equipment or burning Nino to a little horseman crisp.

“Ow...ow, Riida! Come on...I...”

He hated how turning into the Morning Star made his voice so loud, but it was effective at least. “Nino, no more talk about breaking seals or breaking Jun-kun's glue gun or teasing Sho-kun, you hear me?”

Nino shrank back, shielding his eyes from the whole angelic glow. Even fallen angels could still blind someone pretty quick. “I hear you, I hear you!”

He relaxed, his skin returning to its usual shade, if a bit darker. “Just remember I'm still your leader down here, okay? If we go topside, it's because I said so.”

Nino flicked Lucifer's forehead with his finger. “Keep pulling that glowing trick, and you're going to stay brown, you know that?”

He snatched Nino's hamburger in retaliation.

-

 _When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, "Come!" I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth._  
-Revelation 6:7-8

-

Aiba hated being called Death. It just made him cry, and if there was anything Lucifer hated, it was seeing his most sensitive Horseman friend cry.

He found Aiba in his usual place, tidying up the stables. He had the closest bond with the horses after all, especially his pale stallion. Aiba was always the easiest to talk to. He never wanted to bedazzle things or study complex battle formations or pretend to starve people. He just chatted with the horses and smiled. Lucifer liked hanging out with Aiba.

“Hey Riida, question for you!”

The devil picked up a brush and walked up to where Aiba was patting his pale horse on the nose. “Sure, what's up?”

“Say the first four seals open...”

Oh no. Not this conversation again...

“Say they open, Riida,” Aiba said nervously, eyeing the shiny scythe leaning against the stable wall. “Would I really have to ride out with Hades?”

“Well,” Lucifer said gently, “Yeah, you'd have to. If it's the first four.”

“But that means Sho-chan and Nino and PestiJun are going to kill a whole bunch of people.”

He nodded. “That's the general idea of an apocalypse, Aiba-chan.”

Aiba took the brush from Lucifer's hand and started to brush the horse. “But why? Why can't it be like a race or something? I'm a pretty good rider. Why do I have to escort souls?”

He didn't have all the answers. It was just how things worked. The Messiah dude opened the seals, the Horsemen went out and killed stuff. Then there were the visions and the earthquakes and the angel things. It didn't sound all that great. It was much more fun to just tempt people with fruit, at least in his mind.

“Don't worry about it,” he said, patting Aiba on the shoulder. “I don't think the seals are opening any time soon.”

Aiba beamed. “Promise?”

“Hey, I'm the devil, aren't I?”

–

That night, just to be sure, he plugged in Jun's glue gun and set to work.

Hot glueing seven seals (just to be on the safe side) was going to take a while.


End file.
